You’ve caught me in quite a quandary this week: don’t know whether to finally unleash the long overdue Kelp Kristmas ’07 Wrap-up or go right to this year’s Oscar Prognostications. Some would say, well, sometimes it’s good to get your Oscar predictions in not too long after the winners have been announced -that’s certainly the traditional way of looking at it. But here at the Kodder, we believe that haste makes waste. When you “predict” most of the award winners days in advance, you’re relying on chance and witchcraft; doesn’t it make sense that you’ve got a way better chance of making 100% accurate predictions in hindsight, once something has already happened? Of course it does!
2007 was actually a pretty good year for movies and all the people who won this year were basically the ones that should’ve won, and were rightfully honored. Nothing went wrong -no one swore or fell over, there was scarcely a whiff of politics, the show went off like clockwork -even the fashions seemed relatively understated. The capable and witty Jon Stewart, of the daily show, was adequate. Many deserving folk were given overdue recognition. It was SO BORING!
The ONLY GOOD MOMENT of the ENTIRE ORDEAL was provided by the legendary Gary Busey, during the Red Carpet segment preceding the Oscars capturing the arrival of the various luminaries. As “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest interviewed Jennifer Garner, you could see that they were both reacting nervously to an unspecified disturbance happening off-camera; then Busey lumbers in, looking very much like he was on his way to the can and had just been thrown off a bit by the crowd, and plants a big kiss on Laura Linney, who had been standing at the edge of the fracas, adding how much he has enjoyed her work. He proffers a boisterous but incidental hello to interviewer Seacrest, who tries to deflect him by introducing him to Jennifer Garner, who obviously is shaken and mentally patting the intruder down for weapons.
Busey at first doesn’t seem to know which member of the crowd Seacrest has sacrificed to him; when Seacrest repeats, “Jennifer Garner”, he grunts, “What?”, and then grabs her quickly for a perfunctory hug and a kiss on the neck -he obviously has no idea who she is, and his priority is still finding the john. Neither interviewer nor interviewee seems to have any idea who he is, either, but that’s nothing: Busey not only doesn’t know who they are, he also hasn’t noticed that they’re all on TV, trying to do an interview. Then he lunges away, as mysteriously as he came. Garner is in shock; Linney tactfully leads her away. Gary Busey’s job is done here -god bless and keep you in your good work, Gary (we may have found our host for ’09!)
Well, I’m obviously not going to have time for the Kristmas Roundup again, so we’ll just have to postpone that until next time. Couple of random comments before we go:
Finally (and inadvertently, of course) happened to catch a bit of one of the debates between Hilary and Barack, and to me it felt more like Bill Clinton vs. Jimmy Stewart. Hilary has the Bill thing down -that smoothness, the effortless engagement, an unstoppable stream of instant, intelligent, constructive unflappableness -you’ll never catch this one snoozin’. Barack is alternately stirringly idealistic and a tad ungainly; also smart, constructive, and energetic. Even McCain seems reasonable, compared to what we’ve been through lately. In fact, I can’t remember a time when all of the candidates across the board were this much of an upgrade. This is gonna be great! Vote for anybody -you can’t lose!
Which reminds me – to K. Lyle of Harwich: “Helpy” is not a proper name for a snake. Whether stuffed, imaginary, or normal, no one should be called “Helpy the Snake.” Even if he really is helpful, I can’t believe that any self-respecting snake would ever want to be named “Helpy”, let alone the whole thing, “Helpy the Snake.” It is my understanding that snakes generally prefer names like “Lyle”, “Sid”. and “Lawrence” (though rarely Larry.) (Still, even Larry is a better name for a snake than “Helpy.”)
“Helpy” just does not work, snake-wise. Next time you need to name a snake, we hope you’ll consult someone qualified to deal with such matters, because this is the kind of situation where youthful high spirits will only get you into trouble.
Until next time, keep your eyes open for a pop band called Vampire Weekend, who do a song called “Walcott” (“gotta get out of Cape Cod, outta Cape Cod tonight” -actually, a couple of the members, were brought up around here, I heard); the web-only TV show, “Penelope, Princess of Animals” starring Kristen Schaal, who played the groupie Mel in the ever supple Mrs. Kelp’s favorite TV show, “Flight of the Conchords”; and the outtake albums from the vaults of Motown (you won’t believe the hits they left in the can, though you sort of have to get in and root around to find the good ones -it’s a great job for iTunes and their ilk, as 30 seconds is usually all the time you need to figure out whether it’s a hit or a miss, and the hits are as good as it gets.)
Remember, no matter how bad it gets, spring is coming… come on, we can make it…