Frozen Foot Baby Ping Pong

Baby Ping PongGreat new game! It’s called “Frozen Foot Baby Ping Pong”, and it’s way fun! You folks who already like ping pong will completely lose it when you play this delightful and wicked zangy new sport; in fact, your bowels may explode with happiness (I know mine sure did.)

So basically, like I said, if you’ve got any kind of grasp of regular ping pong, Frozen Baby Foot Ping Pong won’t really even be all that much of a stretch. The only difference is, you can’t move your feet at all, and you have to try to make it as easy for your opponent as you can by hitting the ball really softly and right to him. That way, the not-moving-your-feet-rule makes it harder, but the fact that you’re only playing baby ping pong, with someone who’s handicapped and trying his hardest not to win, balances that out pretty well. It ends up being sort of the same as regular pingpong, in that it’s harder, but also way easier. But it’s still different, kind of, and it’s been a long winter.

Every winter is a long winter, and that’s why I wish I didn’t live here. But I do, and if a mild-mannered diversion like Frozen Foot Baby Ping Pong (which, by the way, doesn’t even use real babies) can relax me a little every now and then, I’m happy to endure it, I think (probably.)

What I’m particularly excited about right now, though, is that the ever-increasingly superb Mrs. Kelp and I are headed away on a fabulous vacation on Monday, and we are totally psyched (or, if you prefer, “glad.”) We haven’t been on a vacation in years, other than the fact that we’re almost never exactly working to any noticeable degree, anyway. Perhaps we don’t actually deserve a break as much as a regular couple that had “actual” jobs, but we feel that not having a job produces quite a bit of anxiety, and that’s why we’re going on vacation.

Of course, going on a vacation is a delicate matter. My thoroughly bitchin’ wife, the ever rhapsodic Mrs. K., prefers not to travel too far from home, the better that we can get back there right away when whichever poor sap we got to pet sit realizes what they’ve gotten themselves into (our collection of mutts -we don’t like to say how many, let’s just say more than five -is relatively high on mange, not to mention random, impractical and un-recommended velocity; there’s just so many of them, and each one is so extraordinarily unstable!) If the stupid sitters would just use the damn moat, they’d be better off, but they always forget to wind up the drawbridge.

Anyway, it’s a hilarious assignment, and we’ve grown accustomed to the panicky phone calls; but while my wife wants to be available in case of trouble, I feel it’s funnier if we aren’t. Thus, I’m always trying to talk her into going somewhere far away, while she’s a little reticent about crossing the bridge (especially since that time a few years ago when we went to Worcester for Oktoberfest… man, I’ll never live that one down.)

But this year she said she’d go somewhere sporty, and there was this place I’ve always been dying to go to, but I was worried about the language barrier; and then we both decided “aw, what the heck? It’s not like speaking English really seems to help that much anyway!”; so, we’re going, day after tomorrow, to New Bedford! The only downside is, the travel time means you lose most of the first day (we travel kind of slow-ly), which is too bad.

Mrs. K is all in a tizzy tonight, as we’re not sure what the climate there might be like exactly, so she can’t figure out what to wear. I always tell her, “you wear whatever you want -I’ll be in my sweat suit”, but it never seems to help. That woman is impossible!

Random suggestions: go rent a movie called “Half Nelson” with Ryan Gosling and Shareeka Epps. It’s a about a high school teacher with a substance problem, and it is remarkably free of false notes of any kind -both Kelps just loved it.

Also, here’s some good things to look up on YouTube: talking cats (you could also try entering “Long John Johnson”); human slingshot; and dick in a box. Also be aware that there’s a large wad of Ricky Gervais (the genius creator of the original British “The Office”┬áseries) material up there, including a five part presentation of Gervais interviewing “Seinfeld” / “Curb Your Enthusiasm” creator Larry David.

Ok, you’re on your own.

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