So, we’ve made it through Memorial Day -and many of us without killing anyone! That’s fine, but soon it will be summertime – a terrific time to stay inside huddled in the dark while all the maniacs are here. Not that all “summer people” are necessarily “maniacs”, but they are.
Of course, all of us native, “down cape” people are so grievously inbred in the first place that a few months of shaking, drooling, drinking, and cable (to paraphrase the old Bill Haley song) usually sounds like just the ticket and not that noteworthy a change anyway from our usual malingering stupor. (Oh, you answer it.)
So, yes, a lot of us will be hiding. Staying pretty much to ourselves. Putting Frontline on the dogs.
Ah, yes, the Kelp Kennel, filled to the brim with twelve wet dogs -I can see it all now! It’ll’ve been hot, and humid; the dogs will have been hot and uncomfortable, then swum, then wet and hot and uncomfortable, and also smelly, as you might expect a hot, wet, uncomfortable dog might be on a slimy, awful, hot, humid… oh my god…
Summer! Yes, summer how I love it how I hate it! So wafting, so imperial, so pecuniary!
When else would one eat potato salad?
I would like it noted that herewith I have officially inaugurated a new season of complaining with a pre-emptive strike, a visualization, if you will, of blistering, muggy days to come. I know we haven’t quite had any days like that yet exactly, but why wait for something to actually happen to start whining about it? In fact, while I’m at it, I’d like to remind everyone that only slightly behind summer is winter, and that’s bound to be a period of freezing desolate depressing horribleness, including (as it does), Christmas, which everyone will again be quite annoyed by.
Which makes it just about time for the Kelp Khristmas Wrap-up, in which we address all your shopping needs with marvelous little tips and sprightly suggestions, including “Get a job, for crying out loud!” and “Come down from there this instant before you break your neck! What’re you trying to do, give us all a heart attack?”
Mittens are a lovely gift, or perhaps a nice scarf or other fabric-oriented item. Twelve wet dogs -one for each month of the year! -could make a wonderful gift for that lucky someone that doesn’t have them yet, and what a wacky surprise! Here, take mine.
Of course, most of the movies that will be opening during the horrid, stifling, sweaty months ahead will be released on DVD just in time for Christmas -and thus ends the Kelp Sum-Sum-Summertime Movie Preview! They’ll open, they’ll close, they’ll come out on DVD -take my word for it, that’s exactly how it’ll go down. Some will feature some of your favorite actors, pushing the envelope in ways you probably never even imagined! Others will feature the same old garbage, endlessly -recycled, with Sandra Bullock and Tom Berenger.
And this fall, why not read a good book? I always heard “Angela’s Ashes” was pretty good.