Knee Driving

Driving Eating DrinkingI am so cool.

Lately, I have occasionally been going off cape to do things -y’know, culture stuff, bands and plays and stuff -in other areas that aren’t here. I have even, on more than one occasion, gone Over the Bridge. Four times I did it, I think, wait, one, two, threeeee… No! Three! Three times. Three times I went OveR the BridgE (see how when you type it like that, even the words look like little bridges! I love that!!) On my own, without anyone dying or falling ill, for no other reason than that it was my whim.

Also, though, and more importantly, it was da whim of da wife, the ever coltish, devilishly cunning, blazingly speedy Mrs. K (AKA the girl who put the “u” in Thurston), who got the urge for goin’, giving me full license to whisk her away for five fun-filled nights at the Copa in fabulous Buenos Aires, Havah Nagilah! Or, actually, not there, but somewhere else; and, we stayed with my cousin for one night and drove home the next -but otherwise, that’s just how it was! Crazy man, crazy!

I’m probably making it sound like more fun than you had to be there, but didn’t you know it? we had such a cool time! going wherever we must’ve went.

One of the big things I wanted to brag about here is that I have learned to be able to do many different things while I am driving, through a fantastic new process, and I’d like to tell you about it. I have found that I can not only listen to the radio and drink and eat and talk on the phone, I can also clean up the front seat (make sure all the trash is in one bag and the nickels, dimes, and quarters are in their corresponding compartments in the change dispenser), put the maps in alphabetical order in the glove compartment, trim my cuticles, and jeer at passersby. Early on I found myself slowly becoming able to perform these and many other basic tasks, once I discovered that I could basically DRIVE WITH MY KNEES!

Yes, sir, you heard me right: now, through the revolutionary new process of just trying to do it and what the hell, I have learned to drive my car almost entirely with my knees, leaving my hands free to catch up on important chores, like: making lists! paying those pesky bills! catching up with that new bestseller! vacuuming! playing the accordion! pottery! -even typing this article! Why, I can hardly remember the last time I used my hands for driving! I’m getting way more done, and -best of all -no one’s been killed so far!

Sure, there’s been a good deal of swerving around -even the occasional close miss -but joggers wouldn’t jog if they didn’t like to move around fast in the first place, would they? Anyway, I highly recommend the process to all and everyone here in the golden age of multi-tasking; after all, who has the time nowadays to just drive?

For instance, this week, when everyone had plenty to do getting ready for the big day with their families on Thanksgiving (and by the way, hope you had a great one, and that you and your family ate like pigs until you all passed out; happy Thanksgiving, one and all, from all of us here at Kelp on Kape!); what if on all those trips back and forth to the store, you could have used that time also peeling potatoes, shucking oysters, and making a lovely flaky pie crust? Wouldn’t that put you that far ahead of the game?

Driving with your knees is a terrific time saver, and I’m sure you’ll all think of all sorts of things to do with all the extra time you’ll have on your hands, once your knees take over!

Anyway, I was going to tell you all about our trips Over the Bridge, which started with a trip to Boston to see Beck and the Flaming Lips at the Orpheum, which was a swell show whose feature performers worked in sharp contrast to each other; and damn, I’d still like to tell you about it, but I just got a flat, and it’s almost impossible to write bumping along like this, so I will now conclude with a simple reminder to think about taking some of the care you’d normally put in to your driving and put it into something almost equally important, like doing a crossword puzzle; knitting; or picking ticks off a despised family member. Sure, it’s nice to get there safe; but isn’t it even nicer to get caught up on things for once?

Sure it is! On your knees!

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