Kelp Goes A Huntin’

greenheadsYou know what I like about June bugs? Their fallibility.

Say what you will about June bugs, they occasionally make mistakes. They’re big and fat and clumsy and stupid, and their flight patterns are extremely erratic, and they have all kinds of trouble with screen doors; it’s hard not to identify with them.

Sometimes a June bug will fall over and never figure out how to get back up again and just lie there and die -what could be more adorable?

The thing I like about greenhead flies is that they slow down. They start out pretty zippy early in the season, pesky and competitive, and gradually become fat, slow, and altogether killable (not unlike a certain local baseball team.) In fact, for sheer killability, it’s hard to beat greenheads.

Although I have to say, I really like burning ticks, too. I mean, now we’re really getting a little kinky. If I were the Marquis de Sade (and let’s face it, I am), I think ticks might be my favorite insect to kill of all. Not only do you get to burn them alive, but they make that terrific popping sound when they’re done! Until they make a bug I can blindfold and tie up, ticks will probably be the most interesting insect to kill; although I still think in terms of good, old-fashioned killability, it’s hard to beat the pure, spontaneous joy of clubbing a greenhead to death with your bare hands.

I love summer! I hear there’s been a ton of greenheads out already this season, pestering the tourists. It’s always nice to see the out-of-towners relaxing on the beach, slapping themselves in the head and spitting. Of course, I don’t go to the beach much -my flight pattern’s too erratic…

Let’s see what else there is to do around here for entertainment lately. There’s some interesting new joints to shop, especially in Wellfleet, where you can browse at places with names like The Pickle and Puppy, or Two Girls With Good Taste (though my wife, the delicate but sizzling Mrs. K, tells me that the latter looks kind of ritzy through the window but always seems to be closed; she’s even suggested an alternate moniker: Two Girls With Expensive Taste in a Big Barn That’s Never Open.)

I’ve also got to hand it to whoever decided to call their new age store in Orleans the Om Depot -if I ever get spiritual enough for affirmation cards, that’s definitely where I’m going. Still, my favorite name for a business on Cape Cod remains the Pleasant Trowel, which is a garden store in Harwich; I can’t really explain it -it just gets me.

I rented a video recently that we loved, which was a movie by the Norwegian director Hans Petter Moland (don’t worry, though -it’s in English) called “Aberdeen”, a drama about a mother dying of cancer who convinces her coke-snorting lawyer daughter to find her drunken father and bring him to see the mother before she dies. Featuring uniformly excellent acting from Charlotte Rampling, Ian Hart, wonderful newcomer Lena Headley (actually, turns out she’s done lots of stuff, but I’d never seen her before -though I’ll certainly be keeping an eye peeled from now on); and especially Stellan Skarsgård, who makes a stunningly believable washed-up drunk, the movie is brutal, funny, real, surprising, and heart-breaking. I watched it twice in a row, and I don’t remember ever doing that before.

I think the French “Amelie” just came out on video, too, as well as “The Royal Tannenbaums”, both of which are wonderful as well.

If you’re still not satisfied after all your movie-going, shopping, and bug-killing, there’s a swell bill at the Melody Tent in Hyannis tomorrow (Saturday), with John Hiatt and Loudon Wainwright III (the latter being one of my favorite contemporary songwriters. I once played bongos with him, many years ago, but I think he may have been too drunk to notice; at least, it would appear that way.)

And if you’re more into sea chanteys (and who is?), my friend Stephen Preu has asked me to mention that he will be doing a rare live appearance tonight (Friday) at the Cape Cod National Sea Shore. In retrospect, I wish I could narrow that location down a little, town-wise, but that’s what he said. I’d try Eastham first, though, because, as everyone knows, Eastham is the hippest.

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